OpportUNITY

Unity has always been an important concept for me. So much so that I took it as my playa name the first time I went to Burning Man. I laugh at my young, naive self for taking such a silly, hippie name 12 years ago - but my connection to the concept still rings true. We are all one. We are all made up of the same material on the cellular level. The tress, rocks, earth, insects, plants, animals, stardust, the homeless person on the street, the billionaire across the globe - all of us are truly connected. How you treat each other is how you treat yourself. 

As I start to dismantle my understanding of life as I've always known it - I realize that even the belief in this concept comes from my own privilege. Who is to say that this idea of unity isn't true when I've never really had anyone challenge it? Almost everything I've been able to do, thought, believed and understood comes from being born in this particular skin color in this particular country. 

This definitely feels like a lot to take in. 

But it's nothing compared to the hundreds years of oppression, violence and incarceration that black people have endured in America. My discomfort in coming to terms with my own privilege is negligible. 

I have signed up for virtual 'Anti-Racism Circle' with Charlene Parker which starts tomorrow. We will be going through Rachel Cargle's 28 day #dothework Course and then Layla Saad's "Me and White Supremacy" book. I have started both. I have already felt the winds of change, the blowing open of understanding, the BLOWING UP of everything I thought I knew. 

One quote in a paper that Rachel has included in her course by Peggy McIntosh really rang true for me: "I was taught to see racism only in individual acts of meanness, not in invisible systems conferring dominance on my group." This is completely how I was taught about racism. I was raised in an open-minded, non-racist home. I was taught to accept everyone for who they are, not what they look like. I thought I was good with that level of non-racism. Turns out, nope. That is definitely not enough. 

Even though I was raised in this non-racist (but still lacking) way, I was still surrounded by mostly white people my whole childhood. In school, in my neighborhood, all of my friends, even all the way through college. This is modern day segregation which is described very well in this video. 

We've also been watching documentaries on Netflix, listening to podcasts (recommendations below) and generally assaulting ourselves with information on white privilege and systemic racism every day. We've been digesting and processing this all with really meaningful and in depth conversations. It's intense. It's the least we can do. I'll also be donating the proceeds to each first week of Zoom classes I teach for the next 4 weeks to 4 different organizations that fight for black lives: Bail Project, Black Visions Collective, Campaign Zero and Unicorn Riot.

Still this doesn't feel like quite enough. 

I know there are a lot of us feeling like we can't do enough to help. Engaging in re-education, taking a harsh look at ourselves and our white privilege is a good start. Here's what I've been reading, watching and listening to:

Books
Me and White Supremacy by Layla Saad
How to be an Anti-Racist by Ibram X. Kendi
The New Jim Crow by Michelle Alexander

Documentaries
13th (Netflix)
Just Mercy (Amazon)
I'm Not Your Negro (Amazon)

Podcasts
1619 on NY Times
The most recent shows from This American Life and Radiolab also touch on issues surrounding our current situation.

Something important to remember is that this really isn't about me. At all. I'm just writing this a) to help process it all b) to inspire / support others in their journey to start to dismantle white supremacy and c) to stand up for Black Lives. 

This is a truly heartbreaking time. On so many levels. It's so disappointing to see how in some ways we really haven't changed. The same things are being protested they were 30, 40, 50, 60+ years ago. But it's also provided us with an opportunity. An opportunity to research and learn, to grow, to change and to take action to reverse these devastating years of systematic racism. So take this opportUNITY to grow and dive in.

What's been helping me

I read a post recently from @rainbowplantlife about what she's been doing during this crazy time to help her get through it. I found it super inspiring. I realized I have honed lots of tools which might help others. I've basically been in my own lockdown for over a year (ok maybe that's being a bit over dramatic) but I have had to find resolve, get creative and re-imagine my life due to out-of-my-control circumstances. It has been really challenging but some good stuff has come out of it. I've been training for this quarantine for all of 2019 💪😂 #stayathome #ohiknowhowtostayathome #twosurgeriesdown #andnowapandemic #igotthis #wegotthis

Here are the things that have been helping me. What has been helping you? I want to know! I want to hear what you've discovered, what's been beautiful, what's been hard, all of it!

Artist: @asjaboros

12 things that have been helping me

1. Morning Pages

If you haven't read The Artists Way, I highly recommend it. The main thing I've taken from reading it is her morning pages. Every morning I wake up and write three pages worth of whatever comes to mind. It's like a brain dump. I try not to reach for my phone, but instead reach for my journal. This has made the world of difference in my daily life. I am kinder to myself and others. I remember my dreams. I have wisdom flowing out of me, that I need to hear. It has been one of the best things I have done for myself lately and I highly recommend it.

When I am struggling in life, my instinct is to use the tools I know I have to help cope - journal, meditate, talk to a therapist, etc. But I find that the pressure of writing in a journal b/c I know I SHOULD, that I must write about THAT THING that's bugging me, is forced and I end up never doing it. But, the Morning Pages do not have that caveat. You literally write about anything. And of course things you're worried about or struggling with will naturally come out.

2. Meditation

Right now the Chopra Center is offering a 21 day free guided meditation and it's all about HOPE. How perfect. Also, Thich Nhat Hanh (the founder of the Buddhist monastery Deerpark in Escondido) is running a free Mindfulness Wisdom Summit for the next 5 days.

3. Eating Healthy

Sounds like an obvious one but I have been diving even more than usual into making super nutritious, beautiful food. I have recently found @rainbowplantlife to be a wealth of inspiration. I've also been doing Noom thanks to Sassy Stiletto's recommendation. And while yes, I have lost weight - the thing I love about it even more is how many more fruits, veggies and whole grains I've been eating. I thought I ate a lot of them before! If you have Noom questions let me know.

4. Walks

I've been going for daily walks around my neighborhood and it's been lovely. Definitely recommend getting outside to get some vitamin D and get your steps in. With proper social distancing of course!

5. Hoop or Dance Everyday

Put on your favorite up-beat song and hoop! Or dance! Even if it's only for 5 minutes. It reminds you why you're alive! Here's a fun playlist of my favorite upbeat songs to hoop and dance to.

6. Hobby

Find something you've always wanted to do and do it. Have you always wanted to knit? Cook? Paint? Learn a new language? A new musical instrument? Dive right in, you might find you never want to come back up for air. Take a class. Find online tutorials. Find the online community who's into your new-found passion and connect. My current obsessions are sewing and photography. Are they yours too? Email me back and geek out with me!

7. Don't read everything about it, every day

I made the mistake of reading super scary, sobering articles right when I woke up and it ruined my whole day. I certainly stopped doing that! Obviously it's important to stay updated and know what we can and cannot do on lockdown but I don't recommend starting out your day with despair.

8. Do and don't do

I freaking love checking things off my to do list. I live for that sh!t. The over-achiever in me instantly decided I wanted to make sure that every thing on my current To Do Lists were done by the time we are out of quarantine. I like my ambition! :) I am definitely trying to stay productive but also trying to be gentle with myself about it. We are going through a lot and we deserve to be kind to ourselves, now more than ever.

9. Finances

Currently every way my companies were planning to continue on as companies has been put on hold for the foreseeable future. Maybe yours too. Maybe you've been laid off. Wow how scary! How are we going to survive? One thing that has helped me a lot is getting a real picture of our finances. I figured out what exactly we're subscribed to each month and which things we can live without for a couple months until things go back to normal. Again a simple, maybe obvious thing to do, but it's helped my peace of mind to know exactly where we're at.

10. Gratitude

Every day Bags and I make sure to tell each other how grateful we are to have each other through this crisis. How we have a roof over our heads, we have food and enough saved money to last us for at least a little while. A warm bed, You know the little things in life :)

11. Therapy

This one has helped me go through what was the roughest year of my life, 2019. Which will now be referred to as #TheDarkness - haha! There are lots of low-income options in San Diego (let me know if you need that info). Also if you don't want to leave your house but think you could benefit from therapy. I've heard of Better Help which is an online therapy service. Haven't tried it myself but it could be worth investigating.

12. Read

I have been devouring books lately! If you want some good fiction recommendations, let me know. If you are a female in San Diego and want to join the book club I started, let me know. I got a library card which is FREE and has tons of books and audiobooks. Between audiobooks and podcasts, I am thoroughly entertained while going on my morning walks and working on my hobbies.

Bonus!

13. Marie Kondo

This is something we did while I was recovering from my knee surgery. I read her book (loved it) and we Marie Kondo-ed the sh!t out of our apartment and garage. I highly recommend it, especially if you're stuck at home at the moment. 

Just when you want to give up, is probably when you shouldn't

View from our balcony at Mar de Jade

I'm sitting in our room at Mar de Jade in Chacala, Mexico staring out our balcony window at the picturesque view: ocean waves, swaying palm trees, the roof of a gorgeous yoga room ahead. I wonder, 'How did I get so lucky? What did I do to deserve this?' I have been asking myself these questions a lot this week. I was speaking with fellow traveler / hoop teacher /  badass, Gail O'Brien, about this feeling of wonderment at how we ended up in this tropical paradise. (Maybe a little imposter syndrome perhaps?) We realized that actually, we have worked really hard to get here. Sometimes it doesn't feel like work, but it's truly the decade+ of time put in, built up, dedicated, that correlates into these types of once-in-a-lifetime experiences. And so I sit back, look up at the ocean, sigh and soak it all in. I thank everything I can think of in my mind that could have led to this opportunity. Particularly, Fer, the organizer of Summer Hooping Mexico. For asking us to be a part of this, for graciously leading the group through a wonderful week of excitement and for just being her sweet, lovable self.

First Burlesque Act JOY

But this blog post was not supposed to be about Summer Hooping Mexico (though I think I will write about this experience in another post), it is meant to be about my recent experience competing at the Burlesque Hall of Fame in Vegas.

Performing at Burlesque Hall of Fame has been something I have worked towards for 9-10 years of my life! Within a year of starting to hoop, I created my first Hoop Burlesque routine. Hooping made me feel liberated. It made me feel sexy and confident. I could do tricks that made me feel invincible, like a superhero who could do anything she put her mind to.

In 2008, I was hooping on the sidewalk / tiny patch of grass outside my apartment in OB when I got hot and took of my sweater, while keeping the hoop going around my waist all the while. Ding! A lightbulb went off over my head – I could do Hoop Burlesque! I had seen Catherine D'Lish perform her famous martini glass strip in my mom's productions 'Arabia Exotica'. And I thought maybe I could combine sexy striptease, hoop tricks, choreography and set it all specifically to musical cues. I rushed upstairs to my computer and started searching YouTube. I couldn't find anyone who was doing what I imagined in my mind. There were strippers hula hooping on the internet, but no one that I could find was doing hoop dance, tricks, choreo and striptease all at once. (Turns out there were a few goddesses such as Lolli Hoops and Vivacious Miss Audacious who were doing Hoop Burlesque around that time and earlier!)

So I made my first burlesque act.

First Burlesque Act SUCCESS!

I used the very overplayed 'Stripper' by David Rose (music I had seen Catherine D'Lish perform her martini glass act to), I used store-bought, inexpensive lingerie and a tutu I made myself with tulle. I choreographed it myself and practiced it A LOT. I decided that I HAD to do foot hooping in this act b/c to me, controlling a hula hoop with one's foot was just about the sexiness thing ever. I only had the trick nailed a fraction of the time, so it was edgy to put into my routine. I was preparing it for my mom's 'Arabia Exotica' at Hollywood & Highland in Oct 2008. I actually hated the process. Taking off my clothes and then having to put on so many layers again and again, made me swear it would my last (and first) burlesque act! Ha :)

The performance went off without a hitch. I nailed every trick, even the foot hooping and I felt amazing! A month or so later, someone in the audience sent me a posting they had seen looking for burlesque performers for an HBO show 'Live Nude Comedy'. I auditioned and I got it! I was on national television about a year or so into my hoop journey and VERY early on in my burlesque journey. I was still wearing my store-bought, unrhinestoned costume...on live national television. As a true noob, I even forgot my pasties on show day and the sweet Miss Dakota lent me her pasties – the same ones she was wearing in one of her acts in the show! That is a true sweetheart! I had not been so nervous to perform in my life. I still remember to this day, being backstage and being uncontrollably nervous. But somehow I performed flawlessly (I still cringe when I watch that video though, let's be honest) and I have never looked back!

Fast forward to next most nervous I have ever been to perform – BHoF 2013. I started

The Hoop Unit at BHoF, 2013

applying for BHoF back in 2009 with that video from Live Nude Comedy. Yep, one year into burlesque and I had my sights set HIGH. I was rejected for the next four years. In 2013, my hoop troupe, The Hoop Unit was accepted into the best group category! This counts as the second most nervous I have ever been to go on stage. Performing burlesque for 800 burlesque performers and aficionados? No thank you! But we did it and we had fun. We didn't win but it was an incredible experience...seeing those shows blew me away! I wrote a blog post about it here.

Being able to perform on that stage is SUCH an honor. It is so hard to get in. So many applicants, only so much time for shows and strict application rules (something like less than 20% of people get in or something like that). But I still really, really wanted to perform there as a soloist.

So I kept applying. I kept making new acts. New videos. Performed in festivals around the country and the world. I taught. I created a Burlesque-only troupe, The Vaudeville Vixens. I produced shows (2-3 a year) starting in 2011. I created student performance opportunities. I went to BurlyCon. I taught at BurlyCon. I did the peer reviews at BurlyCon. I read lots of books about history and our legends. I became fascinated with Burlesque History actually, and spent a large period of time obsessively reading any book related to the subject I could get my hands on. I invited headliners and performers from around the country and the world to teach, M.C. and perform in San Diego. I created a new recurring live music show in San Diego, Burlesque Brunch. I dreamed up new costumes, new acts for myself and for groups, I created mountains of choreography. I ran Solo Act Courses to give people the support to spread their wings and fly. I endeavored to support and show up to as many locally produced Burlesque shows in San Diego that I could. I sought out act reviews from peers and performers I admired. This is just what I did to further my burlesque path, not even to mention the other forms of performance art I love and try to push every day.

Instead of stopping Burlesque b/c of the nuisance of taking off and putting on so many layers of costume in rehearsal, I did the exact opposite. I dove in. Head first. And I still haven't come back up for air.

All the while, every year I was applying to perform as a soloist at BHoF. Every year I was rejected. I cried. I was frustrated. I put in SO MUCH time, love, money and energy into this community. Particularly locally, but nationally as well. I was completely obsessed and I felt I had something to share.

Year after year of rejections starts to get hard. Regardless of the frustration, I was able to pick myself back up and keep chugging along. I was not alone. So many people experienced this rejection, not only with BHoF but with lots of festivals regularly. Eventually I decided that this year (2018) would be my last year applying (at least as a soloist), I would still continue to work on The Vaudeville Vixens' potential opportunity to perform there but as for myself, I was seeing the family life soon to be in my future. I have craved being a mom for so long and I am ready! I want to give it my all and I will need to take a break from performing for a little while, so I figured if I didn't get in this year, I wouldn't apply again (or at least for a long time). This was BHoF's last chance! Luckily, they took it!

Emeraude, my ride or die!

The day they posted results were coming out, I was obsessively checking TroupeIt. When I saw that I was accepted for my Jellyfish act, I flipped. Inspiration for the prop in this act came from Diana Vishneva's 'Water Flower.' Secretly I had actually been telling myself for months that it was the 'Year of the Jellyfish' and turns out I was right! From late April through early June, BHoF was constantly in the back of my mind. I had so many other commitments to fulfill before BHoF b/c you never know if you're going to get in, so you keep going about your life, filling up your calendar as you normally do. Which meant for quite a busy Spring season. Texas Burlesque Festival, Show Me Burlesque Festival, teaching circus at schools around San Diego everyday, teaching nighttime adult classes, teaching yoga, doing gigs, helping prep my troupes for their Fringe Festival shows, working on our Twisted Orbit business, the lists go on! All the while...practicing, working out, obsessing over details of my act, getting act reviews with Di'Lovely & Ginger Valentine, eating clean, repairing my prop, working on adding pieces and rhinestones to my costume (thanks to Jacqueline Chaton for rhinestoning my ENTIRE costume and to Firetail Design for making it!) The prep was intense.

Performing in the Debut category. Photo: Glenn Asakawa.

And before I knew it, it was the morning of my flight to Vegas and I was all kinds of emotional. I felt like crying already. Not for sadness, but truly for an overwhelming amount of emotion. As that person who cries at literally everything, I should have seen this as a foreshadowing of how the weekend would go. Bags was so supportive. He was so perfect that morning. So loving and helpful and everything I ever wanted. I felt so ready. Calm. Confident. Collected. I didn't feel anxious but it all felt right, and everything was falling into place the way it was supposed to.

Photo by Glenn Asakawa

Luckily Emeraude LaStarr had already planned to attend this year and we had a room together. Having her there was so amazing. She was my rock and I sure did need someone to anchor to. It's such a full-on experience. The calm, collected feeling I had Thursday morning didn't steadily stay there all 5 days. Oh no. It was a rollercoaster alright! From sheer inspiration, awkward fan-girling, trying to interact in eccentric social situations, seeing friends from around the globe with whom you've shared unforgettable memories, overstimulation from THE MOST FABULOUS outfits you've ever seen, pressure to take lots of pics and constantly post on social media. To look extra and to be extra. I mean wow. It took me a day or two just to acclimate to all of that. Then add in the extreme Vegas heat, the over-air conditioned hotel, the smoke filled casino and your horse voice from screaming your head off at all of the shows. It's no wonder it's taken me weeks just to write this post!

Friday's Legends Show had me in tears the whole time. Again, not for sadness but truly for the overwhelming amount of love I felt in that room. The community, the audience, that whole damn room loved each Legend so much as soon as they entered the stage. It was such a beautiful thing to behold.

SD Burlesties!

Visiting the new BHoF Museum!

Saturday (show day) had my stomach in all kinds of knots. I woke up already anxious and thought, 'Great. If I'm already nervous, how am I going to feel right before I go on stage?' I was remembering how nervous I was the last time I stepped onto that stage. Luckily I happened to run into Midnite Martini when I was walking over to my tech that morning. She has such amazing advice for me as I shared with her how nervous I felt. She gave me my mantra that I repeated to myself basically all day: 'Present not perfect.' What she said was basically this...with a little interpretation by me...we all want to be 'perfect' on stage, to hit that mark in the music, extend through our fingertips in that exact way we've rehearsed so many times, to get those reveals just right. But instead of attaching myself to perfection, I focused on being fully present in the moment as I stepped onto that HUGE, gorgeous stage. And for me, the fact that I didn't allow my nerves to take over, like they had the last time I performed at BHoF – but instead fully enJOYed and experienced each second during my act, is my WIN. I didn't black out. I truly felt it as it happened and I loved it. I felt seen by this community that I had worked so hard for so long to get recognition from. I touched people's souls and got to connect with them about it afterward.

Backstage at BHoF, Photo by Bob Debris

People gave me such beautiful words of love and adoration that weekend. To the point I almost didn't know what to do with all of the energy I received. It sounds silly, but sometimes it's overwhelming to receive constant words of praise. (Poor me, I know). To hear what people had to say to me about my act was so validating, so encouraging, so beautiful. I am grateful to everyone who talked to me about my act. I am grateful for the super badass group of women I got to compete with in the Debut category. Everyone was so supportive of each other, it really didn't feel like a competition. It was beyond lovely. I am grateful that Luna Divine and Kaleidoscope made the trek for one night only to see the Saturday night show, to support me and experience the magic of BHoF, even if for only one night. I am grateful for the loving notes from my friends and family who couldn't be there but sent me encouragement before the show. And for everyone who has taken the time to comment or message me directly about how much they loved my act since then. Thank you to those of you who stood up and gave me a standing ovation after I performed. I didn't get to see it but I heard about it. To know this happened is beyond amazing. I did it!!!

San Diego BOOTY!

Even though, it's true that I probably won't apply to compete or perform at BHoF again for some time (babies!!!) - this experience has me thinking about the concept of giving up. About how, just when we want to give up the most, is probably exactly when we shouldn't. When we should push through. It's those moments that we're broken down, almost to complete and utter failure, but we somehow find strength to move through, which allow us to accomplish the dreams we really want on the other side. So, if I have learned anything from this whirlwind experience - it's don't give up. No matter what. No matter how tough it is. If you want it enough, it will be worth the anguish, the ego blows, the failures, the frustrations. It'll all be worth it!!!

Best Debut BOOTY!

Special shout out and love to Sepia Jewel who debuted at BHoF in the Thursday night show, Di'Lovely who I admire so much and who slayed in the QUEEN competition on Saturday, Tito Bonito who took the stage not once, but TWICE in the Small Group category w/ Nikita Bitch Project and in the Best Boylesque category. Also, Eva Mae Garnet for making our amazing S-A-N D-I-E-G-O panties and pushing us into that group booty shot art experience. As well as to all of the lovelies in the Best Debut category - some of you I have been connected to for many years. I have watched us all grow up in burlesque. I have been there to see your struggles, your triumphs, your growth, your art and I have rooted for you along the way. To share that category with you was an honor that I will not soon forget. So much love! And congrats to Aria Delanoche who took home both Best Debut and Most Classic!

Buh Bye Saturn

Disruption.

The calm before the storm, or am I in the eye?

Settling in.

...words that come to me as I lay in bed awake, one of the more creative and poetic insomniac experiences I've had in a while. This summer and even this year has been an intense one. And I hate it when people say that. Intense? In what way? How? Don't you still have a roof over your head and food to eat? What could you really have to complain about?

I see forest fires rage up the west coast, hurricanes ravaging the east coast, our current political situation in shambles - and I'm sitting here in my beautiful flow space in San Diego, with little more than a heatwave to complain about.

But still, life has been so intense lately! Why?

Is it the solar eclipse? The full moon? Is mercury in retrograde? Can I blame it on the stars?

Well I kind of want to. I think maybe I am experiencing the END of my Saturn Return. So many people talk about the Saturn Return - the beginning of it. When your life gets disrupted in a way that you can only really blame on that crazy planet with all of those rings in the sky. You hear of people around the age of thirty changing careers, lifestyles, marriages, divorces, traveling the word, giving away all of their worldly possessions - that kind of thing. But what about when Saturn leaves the location it was when you were born, the same location it comes back to every 27 - 32 years. Buh bye. "There you are" says Saturn, "I just messed up everything you thought you knew about your life and here I go rotating through the universe for you to figure it out, buh bye."

And here I am, settling into the next phase of my life - waving Saturn goodbye.

It's definitely not been as disruptive as when Saturn showed up. THAT was crazy sauce. But this summer and even most of this year has been confusing. And I couldn't figure out exactly why until recently. 

It has a lot to do with pressure. Pressure to do adult things like save money and have a family, heaven forbid maybe even buy a house one day. I definitely want to have a family - and that doesn't feel pressured upon me. It feels natural. I have felt that way for as long as I can remember. And I am so in love with Bags, he is going to be an amazing dad one day. The other parts though - about saving money, having enough to provide for the family with performer careers - those are the societal pressures that go along with growing up.

Next ingredient for Valentina-slightly-melts-down-over-every-little-thing-summer-of-2017 is not having a tour or a large contract to work. Whoa. That felt weird. That was confusing. Yes we had work, we're doing pretty good...we're keeping busy and performing and teaching quite a lot. But nothing like doing 4-5 shows a day for umpteen amount of days in a row or touring around the country or the world. For 4 or 5 years now every summer I've done either one or the other - tour or contract. This summer, neither! Just sitting with that. Just sitting with anything, in any amount of stillness / stationary-ness is extremely challenging for me and probably exactly what I need. 

We've also said we're not going to travel as much so we can save some money (see wanting to have a family above) BUT we still traveled quite a bit this year: Hawaii, Australia, St Louis, Boston and we're about to do Portland, NY and Seattle. Not going to travel...psssshhhh...yeahhhhhh right! That's also been confusing. Because I love traveling and so does Bags.It feels so right and exactly what we should be doing. To not travel feels like going against the natural grain of our lives. But we don't have enough money to travel AND save money (noticing a pattern here?) And also what's confusing about all of this is that when I say I'm going to do something, I do it. I don't say I'm not going to travel but then still travel...kind of. Weird. Not like me.

I also tried to step back a bit from producing as many large scale shows and to focus on the Twisted Orbit business. I think it's finally starting to pay off. A couple things have come up and are on the horizon that make it seem like we're going into the direction we'd like to be. Which has contributed to me feeling a bit better about this decision. 

I have felt such joy, such immense pleasure from producing the shows I have created in San Diego. The feedback from the audiences, the students, the performers and the venues we've worked with are nothing short of fantastic. THAT is what I should be doing - things that give me beautiful, uplifting, inspiring feedback. But, at the same time DAMN do those shows take a lot of energy, work, time, stress and sometimes aren't the most profitable - especially when you count the hours upon hours of time put into them. Trying to move towards working smarter not harder. And producing generally doesn't fit into that category. But it feels WEIRD to not do something I am so good at, something I was obviously meant to do and something that brings so many people around me so much joy. Shifting my focus, changing my day to day, changing my habits - after about 6 years of this formula - has been really challenging.

With this confusion, this shift, this self-directed change comes a little bit of reverb. These disruptions have been felt in other areas of my life that I didn't think would be affected. I found myself in constant conversations with people. Having to talk to people around me about tough or confrontational things A LOT. Like for months on end. I've had to engage in these types of communications with members of both my troupes and the members of my community living space. Some of the topics weren't directly affected by/with me but as the leader of these groups, I have chosen the mediator role. I have chosen the role of holding space for others. 

I'm tired. And I feel like I failed multiple times.

Throughout my life I have struggled with communicating in a kind / compassionate way. I am very direct and honest. Maybe even harsh sometimes. I have been working on this aspect of myself since starting the Hoop Unit (8 years ago) and learned early on how important different communication styles are. As I leader I have taken on all kinds of both good and bad things. Responsibilities and standards that are quite tough to uphold for myself. The benefits of leadership outweigh the hardships by far, but this summer it's felt like I have had to deal with the tough stuff a lot more than normal. I find myself struggling to communicate with compassion, crying over and over about these failures and beating myself up about them. I find myself picking up the book 'Non Violent Communication' for the third time in the last decade. How many times must I learn this lesson? It's interesting because I have focused on this aspect of myself a lot in the past, but it's hard to constantly, continually keep working hard on it forever. Sometimes it goes a bit by the wayside. Like you know in the back of your head you have an issue with a certain part of yourself, you don't keep it in the forefront ALL of the time. That would be exhausting. But then things come up that challenge that aspect of you, and maybe you haven't focused on it in a while so then you slip up again. Grrr. 

I have written in a journal consistently for the first time since I can remember. It's helped a lot. I can't always unload everything onto Bags all of the time. Sometimes the pages of my journal need to get the brunt of it. 

Some things Donna Farhi talks about in her book "Bringing Yoga to Life" that my dear friend and dance sister/YTT coach Lisa Yeme recommended to me has helped me think about these things. The idea of compassion for everyone, the connectedness, unity and in all actuality sameness that we all are. If someone is pissing me off, I really need to think about how we are actually the same person. To see the good in them. They are just doing their best, just like me. Farhi talks about 4 recommendations from Patanjali (the man associated with the 196 Yoga Sutras):

1) Friendliness toward the joyful 2) Compassion for those who are suffering 3) Celebrating the good in others 4) Remaining impartial to the faults and imperfections of others (Yoga-Sutra I.33)

Also, the idea of not agonizing over every mistake but having a sense of humor about them and to realize that I am trying my best. Farhi says:

"We might also develop a sense of humor so that we can laugh at ourselves when we fall down and take our shambling efforts, not as a sign of personal failure, but as proof of the authenticity of our endeavor."

I tend to see each slip up as a complete failure and get really down, really hard on myself. I am such a perfectionist. Can't I just be good at everything?! Can't I be talented, an amazing performer, a natural teacher, successful, abundant, a doting wife, an excellent leader, a careful communicator - all the things?! Oh wait. That is unrealistic and just plain silly. I am not perfect. I never will be. And how boring would life be if I were? 

So circling back to the beginning of this post, how things really aren't that bad compared to what is happening in the whole wide world. I really can't complain - true. But I do believe it is important for me to realize and recognize what's going on with me and talk about it. Write about it. Process it. Try not to complain, of course, and move from a place of complete gratitude as much as possible. I don't want to dismiss what I am experiencing but I also want to know that in the grand scheme of things, life is pretty sweet. 

Show Me a Shift in Myself

I have been home from the Show Me Burlesque Festival only a few days, though the festivities ended almost a week ago. It has taken me this long, and probably will continue to take me a while longer to process and allow all of what I experienced to soak in.

It. Was. Amazing.

The shows were out-of-this-world. I was left awe-struck many, many times. But what has really stayed with me is it's heart. The Show Me Burlesque Festival has heart. It has wild, open, unabashed true love. I think this is a direct reflection of the producer of the festival, Lola Van Ella. She is a gifted leader and a wonderful role model in the Burlesque community. After last weekend, I decided I want to be Lola Van Ella when I grow up! I have noticed that events, festivals, retreats, what have you, always take on the energy and approach in which their producer emanates. And Lola Van Ella emanates love. She's also super silly, smart, funny and sexy :)

She does it all: sings, emcees, dances, strips, produces, teaches...probably a lot more things that I'm not even mentioning here. She has so many talents. But one of her most important virtues is building other people up. She creates community and brings people together to make sexy stripper art. By raising up our art form (showcasing it on a platform worthy of it's importance) and also bigging everyone up to higher heights around her, she achieves so much. And she does it all with a smile on her face and an open heart beaming full of love and gratitude. When Lola tells you you're going to be amazing on stage, it sure does feel good!

Another noteworthy aspect of Show Me was it's diversity. Diversity in body type, gender, sexual orientation, culture, race, everything! Even diversity in approach to Burlesque. I have been to many festivals that have favored the classic aesthetic. Nothing wrong with a good old bump 'n grind, mind you! Many festivals have left me going home from the shows wishing I were thinner and that my costumes were sparklier. Show Me DEFINITELY inspired my costume-crazed mind. But maybe not just to be sparklier. Maybe to be more elaborate, creative, cleaver, beautiful, interesting...

Dirty Martini

I watched voluptuous babes such as Sassy Von Staddler and the one and only DIRTY MARTINI absolutely KILL IT on stage. Sassy went on right before me. She OWNED that stage. She is so flexible and so powerful. That night was the first time I'd seen Dirty Martini's swan act and I am a forever fan. It was hilarious, sexy, smart and weird. It was everything I ever wanted out of a Burlesque act. Yep, the definition of Burlesque. Right there. If anyone asks me what Burlesque is again, all I will do is point them to a video of that act. 

These two, along with many others that took the stage over the weekend made me realize in a completely new way that it really doesn't matter what your body looks like. As long as you completely bring it to the stage, THAT is all that matters. You bring You. Bring yourself to your fullest and do it with more conviction than anything, and you will have the audience eating out of the palm of your hand. 

Performing Burlesque showed me early on that one of my major roles in life is to get on

My Belly Burlesque Act

stage with my society-labeled-not-perfect body and rock it in a way that gives the audience permission to love their bodies as well. We are all bombarded with magazines, photoshop and unrealistic expectations to be "perfect." I have been fighting the good fight; encouraging all shapes and sizes of women to take my classes, feel free, feel themselves, dance and get on stage in complete disregard to how society tells us we should feel about our bodies. BUT even with YEARS of preaching this, teaching this to my students, encouraging them, etc, I have still struggled with my own body image. As a performer, I am expected to be thin. But I'm not. I am curvy. I don't have a flat stomach. And I am quite active, I workout often (on top of the very physically demanding job of teaching and performing circus and dance that I have chosen). I eat healthy, sleep well (most of the time) and take excellent care of myself. I shouldn't feel bad about my not flat stomach. But sometimes I do. 

I am happy to say that Show Me has shown me a shift within myself. An acceptance of my body in a different way than ever before. I have gone in and out. Up and down. Through a long road that winds and dips and curves (dangerous curves ahead!) To a place now that feels like: it doesn't matter what my body looks like, as long as I own it. As long as I rock it! As long as I take my talents (and talents I have honed!) on stage with me, with complete confidence and unabashed commitment...that is all that matters. It clicked. This time it feels like a different click. 

Whew!

Needless to say it's been a really intense week. I have felt a lot of emotions and thought about so much. I have been exposed to 3 days of beautiful, eclectic stripper art and allowed myself to feel it all. I was a little bit more sensitive than usual, it being my moon time, so I spent a lot of time crying. I wasn't sad though. I was so, so happy. I was just feeling all of the feels, and I am a big crier, so all of my thoughts and epiphanies were coming out of my eyes. Like little stripper rhinestones, each one an important milestone in an art stripper's career process. 

Back to the diversity! I have not seen a festival with this much diversity before! Rivaling on, if not surpassing NY's festival with it's level of representation of EVERYTHING. I want to make sure that the shows, classes and events I am bringing to the San Diego community are fully representational and open to everyone. Everyone. I want to put it out there that the events and classes I create are a safe place for every type of person to be there, express themselves and find themselves through art. 

I am so impressed with Show Me for it's diversity, representation of all types of people, it's inspiringly high level, it's community that supports and surrounds it (the crew, band, musicians, support staff, volunteers) and how good the performers are treated and taken care of.

A brief recap of some of my highlights:
Thursday - The Speakeasy Soiree

Midnite Martini

Oh that venue! I think I swooned the whole time. The Thaxton Speakeasy is a beautiful art deco building with an unusual performance setting. Almost like a runway, the performers were incredibly close to the audience which made for an intimate show. I loved being that close to them! They all really did wonderfully with the space and I found myself smiling so much my face hurt! I was so inspired. Lola Van Ella emceed, starting the show off singing with her live jazz band, swoon! Some of my favorite performers were Laika Fox (giant steak suit, political statements, surprise cartwheel into drop splits!), Chola Magnolia (fringe, latin dance moves, the best stage presence and hilarious musicality), Lucky Buck (face balancing boylesque), Lola Lesoleil (beautifully performed with a story and a surprise that I wont reveal here), Kitana Louise (she didn't have a mic stand so used a stage hand and worked him hard while she striped, it was hilarious and sexy), GiGi Holiday's GPS of Burlesque and of course Midnite Martini KILLED IT - ending the show with a beautiful strip, chair / stocking removal acrobatics and so much soul. I was entranced, inspired and couldn't believe it was the first night. I only mentioned a fraction of the performers, but literally ALL of them were amazing. The afterparty was a Burlesque Bingo show emceed by Mimi Le Uke at a venue called the Crack Fox (why is there a venue called that?!) and had even more amazingness - it ended with Isaiah Esquire of Portland and he was absolutely unforgettable. I didn't even know humans were made like that!

Friday - The Red Light Revue

Show night for me! I went through a myriad of thoughts and emotions that night. I was so nervous! I had made this show into such an important one in my mind. Maybe put too much pressure on myself. I had reviewed my choreo and asked Di'Lovely to work with me to make it better, I added more bling / dangly bits to my costume, I practiced more than I usually do (though probably as much as I should be) and then I blanked out on stage for 4 counts of 8. Just fully blacked out, couldn't remember my choreo and couldn't get back to it for 4 freaking counts of 8. Not that the audience knew but I was devastated after I got off stage. Then I couldn't stop thinking about it. Before I went on I couldn't watch the show because it was making me so nervous and I was starting to have an existential crisis about Burlesque. Perfect timing. Right before I'm about to go on, I start to have a love / hate relationship with one of my biggest passions. In the end I just freestyled a bit and NO ONE knows the difference besides me. My cousins from Columbia came out to watch me and an old family friend from ages ago too! It was so good to have them there. 

The Red Light Revue Cast

After the show upstairs was the Van Ella Bordella...a stripper pole in the middle of the room and the Van Ella Band playing 90's hits. It was the best, weirdest, sexiest combo ever. That was the most "stripper" I've ever seen at a Burlesque Festival. There's this huge dichotomy between being a stripper at a strip club and being a burlesque performer...it's really not that different (except strippers make more money!) and there shouldn't be a divide. This was an example of fusion of the two worlds in a way that I have never seen at a festival before, or ever before actually. There was audience interaction, there were dollar bills flying in the air. And there was some of the sexiest stripping I've ever seen! All to live 90's music. Wont forget that one for a while, whoa! That night I suffered some gnarly insomnia and struggled with replaying my act in my head, over and over. 

There were two hoopers in the Friday show which was amazing to see! Johnny Nuriel ended his act with an LED hoop and the audience went wild for it! His, Mr. Gorgeous and Dirty Martini's acts really stick out in my mind. I didn't get to see lots of the show though, do to me performing in it and being a nervous wreck! Eva Mystique was my backstage buddy who was super sweet and I got to see her kill it on stage, so sexy!

Spectaculaire Cast

Saturday - Spectaculaire!
Hands down the best burlesque show I've ever seen. And I'd like to think I've seen some damn good burlesque in my day. The duo talk-show style emceeing from Jeez Loueez and Lola Van Ella was classically hilarious. The acts were incredible! Favorites include: Axis D'Evil (hoop burlesquer with a slick way to hide her hoop in her costume), Shellbelle Shamrock's Michael Jackson act was spot on, Icky Muffin is my new favorite aerial Lyra burlesque artist, Ray Gunn was a creepy, sexy, sexy bird, Midnite's aerial burlesque act gets me every time, I got to see Vivacious Miss Audacious perform for the first time (a fellow old school hoop burlesquer), athletic pole dancing by Patti Zikmund, Willy LaQueue got us all with his pop and lock style of dance stripping, contortion by Dahlia Fatale, and the ending with Duo Izhonny was epic. They brought out all of the stops - fire, headstand twerking, costuming like no other, fan veil work, beautiful makeup, beautiful moments - unforgettable. 

Susan!

After the show we all headed over to Lola's studio on Cherokee and had some good stripper bonding time. There was a Hot Mess Talent show that was hilarious and a moment in which Lola thanked everyone for the weekend of awesome. Of course she had me crying with her sincere expression of gratitude. Around 4am I figured it was a good time as any to go home even though the afterparty was still going strong and probably went well into the morning :) I had a lovely, comfy place to stay, thanks to Michelle Schaeffer and had a lovely meal with my long time family friend Susan Weigand. I went to Columbia to visit my family on Sunday while the festival attendees went to brunch and the City Museum. It was so good to see my Mid West fam that I see all too seldom. Though most of the time I was in Columbia I was sleeping! I had so much sleep to catch up on! 

Fam Bam

I had a lot of realizations at the Show Me Burlesque Festival but one of the biggest things I have taken from it is how much I want to continue to push myself to be an excellent leader, a builder up of the people around me, an enricher of my communities and a elevator of the stripping / performing arts to see it rise to it's highest heights! Thanks to Lola Van Ella for raising the bar and making it a sparkly bar that I want to look up to.

A Certification in Raw Vulnerability

Yesterday I took my first yoga class in seven months for no reason except for the pure pleasure of it. I didn't have to go home and write a journal entry! I couldn't help but think about the class as I was doing it in the same way I had since February...in my head preparing for what I would write: what I liked, didn't like, what I was feeling, how I was doing, what poses the teacher taught, how it was taught, the music, the heat, everything! That's because on Monday I took the 60th class out of 60 required to complete my 200 hour Yoga Teacher Training through CorePower! Wowza! Yippeee!!! Squeee! 

I just finished all of the journaling, all of the written assignments, the questions, the answers, all of it. It's all sitting on Theresa's desk waiting to be reviewed and hopefully turning itself into a nice little certification. So on Monday, I start teaching donation based yoga classes in the space I am currently teaching (and living) at in Hillcrest, Flow Fusions. In some ways it feels fast, but it also feels like the right way to transition from learning about how to teach yoga into actually teaching it. I will probably always be learning how to teach, not just yoga, but everything that I teach for as long as I am teaching. I figure if I don't start sometime, I won't start at all, so here it goes!

The teacher training was one of the best decisions I've made as an adult. I have grappled with the idea of doing it for about 5 years. The main thing that stopped me was the price tag. As soon as I decided to do it though, the money showed up. I talked to Lisa about the training before it started to get some insight from her. Just talking about the training, sitting in Starbucks, about a month or so before it started, I cried. For no real reason at all. This should have been a big red flag. Um, hello, Valentina - you're going to be the crier of the group! Haha. And oh was I the crier! I cried so much during those two months, but never was it about sadness. It was always about awakening. It was just so darn emotional. To have so much striped away, to really look at myself. To start to understand myself in a completely new way. All of it was so intense and so beautiful. 

I remember the first time I had an ah-ha moment. I was leaving a group training session, getting in my car to drive. I immediately started to rush. I don't know if I even had somewhere to be. But as soon as I started feeling myself rushing, I stopped myself and said some very key words in my head that I don't think I had really told myself before. I said, "Slow down" and, "Move mindfully." Whoa. What?! And as I said these things to myself, I realized at the same time how different those words were from my normal self-talk. I thought, but I'm so old, I can't change now. I am just me and it's too hard to change at this point. As I had THAT thought, I acknowledged it and it's defeatist nature and how untrue that was. I can be calm, I can be mindful, I can be careful, I can be gentle and I can think before I do (like you breathe before you asana). If I want to! It was like a revelation and a self-reflection all at once. 

Shortly after that, Lisa taught her Philosophy of Yoga lecture. This was the most interesting part of the training for me. She brought us through the 8 limbs of yoga, particularly talking about the Yamas and Niyamas. Through every Yama and Niyama, I thought about how they applied to me. I was self-evaluating myself as we were going through the whole 3 hour lecture, without even realizing I was doing that. I was thinking about my personality, Bags' personality. How they're different, how they work and why we chose each other. I was really analyzing my life. Towards the end of the lecture one of the other students spoke about her best friend and their differences, it made her tear up. Of course as soon as the gates were open, the flood came! I cried through our ending hand-holding ceremony and was super embarrassed so I went into the bathroom and cried some more. I had to get out of there because there was no controlling it! I snuck out and cried the whole way home. No wonder though, because I had just spent three hours taking a long hard look at myself through the lens of the Yoga Sutras. 

When I got home I was running a student crafting session, so a lot of my burlesque students and troupe members were there. I had just had such an emotional experience and it left me completely open. I felt like I could connect with each person there on a level that I don't know if I could or would normally. But I was much better at one on one conversations. Large group chats felt really overwhelming. I had taken this pretty intense look at myself and I wasn't disappointed. I was proud of myself and how I saw my relation to each Yama and Niyama, but I also saw how much work I have to do. I accepted myself for myself wholly, for all of my faults, quirks, weaknesses and strengths. I don't know if I had ever accepted myself for who I am quite like that before. It left me feeling incredibly raw and vulnerable. But in such a beautiful way. That night after the crafting session, I lay in bed and told Bags all about the realizations I had made. I cried and cried some more. It brought us so much closer. I felt truly bonded with him as I spoke to him in full truth about how I saw myself, how I saw our relationship. 

This is not what I expected! I should have known, (Hello, Starbucks crying session?!) but there's no way to know. I just wanted to do lots of yoga. I just wanted to learn about the body, how it works, why it does things and how to lead people through joyful movement experiences. What I got was so much more than that. I felt taken out of my comfort zone. Even as someone who stands in front of people and leads them through dance and hoop classes on the daily, standing in front of a room full of yogis and teaching them the yoga was scary! I found myself doing all kinds of weird nervous things with my body. I struggled with walking around the room while teaching, NOT demoing while teaching and oh man did I struggle with assists/adjusts. 

The Karma Yoga Project is an aspect of the training in which the group does a community service. Our lead trainer had an idea that we teach a yoga class in which the admission was a donation to the Girls' Youth Rehabilitation Center. We held this class in our new space, Flow Fusions! It felt like a milestone because it was the first yoga class in our space and the first time we taught yoga as a group, a real class! Bags took the class and he doesn't even like yoga. He was so incredibly supportive through this whole process. Not only did he allow me to spend exorbitant amounts of money and time on it, he was my guinea pig when I needed someone to practice teaching on. He took this class and was my guest on beginner guest night too. I am impressed with his selflessness, his undying support and his belief in me. Our Karma Yoga project yielded lots of items to donate to the center that helps San Diego girls in unfortunate circumstances. We hopefully made someone's day better just by collecting clothing.

Teaching our beginner guest class was one of the most amazing experiences of the training, if not of my whole life! We were supposed to bring a guest to come take our class that we taught collectively, so we each taught about 10 minutes of a C1, to both friends and strangers. Bags was my good sport and came along for the ride. I was so nervous and I practiced literally all day. But when it came to do the teaching, I felt really proud of myself. I knew I had lots to work on still, but for those 10 minutes I felt like a real yoga teacher! There was something so much more real about it then the Karma Yoga class. Being in the heat, in the actual CorePower room that I had trained and taken so many classes in...made it feel so REAL. The Omies did so good too! I was really proud of them. After both of the classes, I was relieved that that part was over and so proud of everyone, plus grateful for the experience. The relief and release showed itself in my tears (surprise, surprise).

One thing I learned was that I am out of practice at being a student! The discipline to study, practice, journal, memorize, etc felt rusty after being out of school for about 10 years. But I have felt this yearning to learn again and put myself back into the student role lately. I have done it as a yoga student and in Suhaila's belly dance intensive, both yielding shiny certifications. I plan to go to community college for business, Spanish and anatomy next year as well! I think these trainings have prepped me a bit for going back to academic school. I also learned that I am not the "perfect", organized and over-achieving person I used to be! I did not finish all of the required assignments, classes and journal entries on time. This bugged me. I think I have had this idea of myself based on my behavior in school and as a small-business-owning entrepreneur. It has been a good lesson in letting go of expectation, relaxing my own standards for myself and being realistic. Also a good lesson in how tough and important it is to be disciplined!

On the last day of training, I was so sad it was over. I weeped through our class taught to us by our trainers (Yoga and crying DO NOT go well together. Have you tried breathing in and out of your nose with your head below your heart while crying? Not so much...) We had a talent show in which I performed a hoop piece for my Omies and teachers. I dedicated it to them and I truly gave them everything I had to give, from my heart. It was intense! After everything was over, I brought a bunch of hoops into the room and lots of my fellow Omies tried it! It was so much fun to hoop with them! I have been dreaming of hooping at CorePower basically since I started taking classes there 5+ years ago. The Hoop / Yoga Fusion potential is HUGE and I can't wait to explore it more. 

I felt a deep sense of bonding with my fellow Omies and so much pride in how far all of us had come over the two months. We truly had a magical group of humans journeying through the YTT experience together. I learned so much from them. They inspired me, taught me, laughed at my silly crying antics and were a great network of support through the intense process. I am happy to see what they're all up to now and know that it will forever be a pleasure to watch what they're doing next!

So, what am I doing next? I am starting a donation based beginners yoga class at Flow Fusions on Mondays at 5:30pm. Come learn and play with me!