Buh Bye Saturn

Disruption.

The calm before the storm, or am I in the eye?

Settling in.

...words that come to me as I lay in bed awake, one of the more creative and poetic insomniac experiences I've had in a while. This summer and even this year has been an intense one. And I hate it when people say that. Intense? In what way? How? Don't you still have a roof over your head and food to eat? What could you really have to complain about?

I see forest fires rage up the west coast, hurricanes ravaging the east coast, our current political situation in shambles - and I'm sitting here in my beautiful flow space in San Diego, with little more than a heatwave to complain about.

But still, life has been so intense lately! Why?

Is it the solar eclipse? The full moon? Is mercury in retrograde? Can I blame it on the stars?

Well I kind of want to. I think maybe I am experiencing the END of my Saturn Return. So many people talk about the Saturn Return - the beginning of it. When your life gets disrupted in a way that you can only really blame on that crazy planet with all of those rings in the sky. You hear of people around the age of thirty changing careers, lifestyles, marriages, divorces, traveling the word, giving away all of their worldly possessions - that kind of thing. But what about when Saturn leaves the location it was when you were born, the same location it comes back to every 27 - 32 years. Buh bye. "There you are" says Saturn, "I just messed up everything you thought you knew about your life and here I go rotating through the universe for you to figure it out, buh bye."

And here I am, settling into the next phase of my life - waving Saturn goodbye.

It's definitely not been as disruptive as when Saturn showed up. THAT was crazy sauce. But this summer and even most of this year has been confusing. And I couldn't figure out exactly why until recently. 

It has a lot to do with pressure. Pressure to do adult things like save money and have a family, heaven forbid maybe even buy a house one day. I definitely want to have a family - and that doesn't feel pressured upon me. It feels natural. I have felt that way for as long as I can remember. And I am so in love with Bags, he is going to be an amazing dad one day. The other parts though - about saving money, having enough to provide for the family with performer careers - those are the societal pressures that go along with growing up.

Next ingredient for Valentina-slightly-melts-down-over-every-little-thing-summer-of-2017 is not having a tour or a large contract to work. Whoa. That felt weird. That was confusing. Yes we had work, we're doing pretty good...we're keeping busy and performing and teaching quite a lot. But nothing like doing 4-5 shows a day for umpteen amount of days in a row or touring around the country or the world. For 4 or 5 years now every summer I've done either one or the other - tour or contract. This summer, neither! Just sitting with that. Just sitting with anything, in any amount of stillness / stationary-ness is extremely challenging for me and probably exactly what I need. 

We've also said we're not going to travel as much so we can save some money (see wanting to have a family above) BUT we still traveled quite a bit this year: Hawaii, Australia, St Louis, Boston and we're about to do Portland, NY and Seattle. Not going to travel...psssshhhh...yeahhhhhh right! That's also been confusing. Because I love traveling and so does Bags.It feels so right and exactly what we should be doing. To not travel feels like going against the natural grain of our lives. But we don't have enough money to travel AND save money (noticing a pattern here?) And also what's confusing about all of this is that when I say I'm going to do something, I do it. I don't say I'm not going to travel but then still travel...kind of. Weird. Not like me.

I also tried to step back a bit from producing as many large scale shows and to focus on the Twisted Orbit business. I think it's finally starting to pay off. A couple things have come up and are on the horizon that make it seem like we're going into the direction we'd like to be. Which has contributed to me feeling a bit better about this decision. 

I have felt such joy, such immense pleasure from producing the shows I have created in San Diego. The feedback from the audiences, the students, the performers and the venues we've worked with are nothing short of fantastic. THAT is what I should be doing - things that give me beautiful, uplifting, inspiring feedback. But, at the same time DAMN do those shows take a lot of energy, work, time, stress and sometimes aren't the most profitable - especially when you count the hours upon hours of time put into them. Trying to move towards working smarter not harder. And producing generally doesn't fit into that category. But it feels WEIRD to not do something I am so good at, something I was obviously meant to do and something that brings so many people around me so much joy. Shifting my focus, changing my day to day, changing my habits - after about 6 years of this formula - has been really challenging.

With this confusion, this shift, this self-directed change comes a little bit of reverb. These disruptions have been felt in other areas of my life that I didn't think would be affected. I found myself in constant conversations with people. Having to talk to people around me about tough or confrontational things A LOT. Like for months on end. I've had to engage in these types of communications with members of both my troupes and the members of my community living space. Some of the topics weren't directly affected by/with me but as the leader of these groups, I have chosen the mediator role. I have chosen the role of holding space for others. 

I'm tired. And I feel like I failed multiple times.

Throughout my life I have struggled with communicating in a kind / compassionate way. I am very direct and honest. Maybe even harsh sometimes. I have been working on this aspect of myself since starting the Hoop Unit (8 years ago) and learned early on how important different communication styles are. As I leader I have taken on all kinds of both good and bad things. Responsibilities and standards that are quite tough to uphold for myself. The benefits of leadership outweigh the hardships by far, but this summer it's felt like I have had to deal with the tough stuff a lot more than normal. I find myself struggling to communicate with compassion, crying over and over about these failures and beating myself up about them. I find myself picking up the book 'Non Violent Communication' for the third time in the last decade. How many times must I learn this lesson? It's interesting because I have focused on this aspect of myself a lot in the past, but it's hard to constantly, continually keep working hard on it forever. Sometimes it goes a bit by the wayside. Like you know in the back of your head you have an issue with a certain part of yourself, you don't keep it in the forefront ALL of the time. That would be exhausting. But then things come up that challenge that aspect of you, and maybe you haven't focused on it in a while so then you slip up again. Grrr. 

I have written in a journal consistently for the first time since I can remember. It's helped a lot. I can't always unload everything onto Bags all of the time. Sometimes the pages of my journal need to get the brunt of it. 

Some things Donna Farhi talks about in her book "Bringing Yoga to Life" that my dear friend and dance sister/YTT coach Lisa Yeme recommended to me has helped me think about these things. The idea of compassion for everyone, the connectedness, unity and in all actuality sameness that we all are. If someone is pissing me off, I really need to think about how we are actually the same person. To see the good in them. They are just doing their best, just like me. Farhi talks about 4 recommendations from Patanjali (the man associated with the 196 Yoga Sutras):

1) Friendliness toward the joyful 2) Compassion for those who are suffering 3) Celebrating the good in others 4) Remaining impartial to the faults and imperfections of others (Yoga-Sutra I.33)

Also, the idea of not agonizing over every mistake but having a sense of humor about them and to realize that I am trying my best. Farhi says:

"We might also develop a sense of humor so that we can laugh at ourselves when we fall down and take our shambling efforts, not as a sign of personal failure, but as proof of the authenticity of our endeavor."

I tend to see each slip up as a complete failure and get really down, really hard on myself. I am such a perfectionist. Can't I just be good at everything?! Can't I be talented, an amazing performer, a natural teacher, successful, abundant, a doting wife, an excellent leader, a careful communicator - all the things?! Oh wait. That is unrealistic and just plain silly. I am not perfect. I never will be. And how boring would life be if I were? 

So circling back to the beginning of this post, how things really aren't that bad compared to what is happening in the whole wide world. I really can't complain - true. But I do believe it is important for me to realize and recognize what's going on with me and talk about it. Write about it. Process it. Try not to complain, of course, and move from a place of complete gratitude as much as possible. I don't want to dismiss what I am experiencing but I also want to know that in the grand scheme of things, life is pretty sweet. 

Show Me a Shift in Myself

I have been home from the Show Me Burlesque Festival only a few days, though the festivities ended almost a week ago. It has taken me this long, and probably will continue to take me a while longer to process and allow all of what I experienced to soak in.

It. Was. Amazing.

The shows were out-of-this-world. I was left awe-struck many, many times. But what has really stayed with me is it's heart. The Show Me Burlesque Festival has heart. It has wild, open, unabashed true love. I think this is a direct reflection of the producer of the festival, Lola Van Ella. She is a gifted leader and a wonderful role model in the Burlesque community. After last weekend, I decided I want to be Lola Van Ella when I grow up! I have noticed that events, festivals, retreats, what have you, always take on the energy and approach in which their producer emanates. And Lola Van Ella emanates love. She's also super silly, smart, funny and sexy :)

She does it all: sings, emcees, dances, strips, produces, teaches...probably a lot more things that I'm not even mentioning here. She has so many talents. But one of her most important virtues is building other people up. She creates community and brings people together to make sexy stripper art. By raising up our art form (showcasing it on a platform worthy of it's importance) and also bigging everyone up to higher heights around her, she achieves so much. And she does it all with a smile on her face and an open heart beaming full of love and gratitude. When Lola tells you you're going to be amazing on stage, it sure does feel good!

Another noteworthy aspect of Show Me was it's diversity. Diversity in body type, gender, sexual orientation, culture, race, everything! Even diversity in approach to Burlesque. I have been to many festivals that have favored the classic aesthetic. Nothing wrong with a good old bump 'n grind, mind you! Many festivals have left me going home from the shows wishing I were thinner and that my costumes were sparklier. Show Me DEFINITELY inspired my costume-crazed mind. But maybe not just to be sparklier. Maybe to be more elaborate, creative, cleaver, beautiful, interesting...

Dirty Martini

I watched voluptuous babes such as Sassy Von Staddler and the one and only DIRTY MARTINI absolutely KILL IT on stage. Sassy went on right before me. She OWNED that stage. She is so flexible and so powerful. That night was the first time I'd seen Dirty Martini's swan act and I am a forever fan. It was hilarious, sexy, smart and weird. It was everything I ever wanted out of a Burlesque act. Yep, the definition of Burlesque. Right there. If anyone asks me what Burlesque is again, all I will do is point them to a video of that act. 

These two, along with many others that took the stage over the weekend made me realize in a completely new way that it really doesn't matter what your body looks like. As long as you completely bring it to the stage, THAT is all that matters. You bring You. Bring yourself to your fullest and do it with more conviction than anything, and you will have the audience eating out of the palm of your hand. 

Performing Burlesque showed me early on that one of my major roles in life is to get on

My Belly Burlesque Act

stage with my society-labeled-not-perfect body and rock it in a way that gives the audience permission to love their bodies as well. We are all bombarded with magazines, photoshop and unrealistic expectations to be "perfect." I have been fighting the good fight; encouraging all shapes and sizes of women to take my classes, feel free, feel themselves, dance and get on stage in complete disregard to how society tells us we should feel about our bodies. BUT even with YEARS of preaching this, teaching this to my students, encouraging them, etc, I have still struggled with my own body image. As a performer, I am expected to be thin. But I'm not. I am curvy. I don't have a flat stomach. And I am quite active, I workout often (on top of the very physically demanding job of teaching and performing circus and dance that I have chosen). I eat healthy, sleep well (most of the time) and take excellent care of myself. I shouldn't feel bad about my not flat stomach. But sometimes I do. 

I am happy to say that Show Me has shown me a shift within myself. An acceptance of my body in a different way than ever before. I have gone in and out. Up and down. Through a long road that winds and dips and curves (dangerous curves ahead!) To a place now that feels like: it doesn't matter what my body looks like, as long as I own it. As long as I rock it! As long as I take my talents (and talents I have honed!) on stage with me, with complete confidence and unabashed commitment...that is all that matters. It clicked. This time it feels like a different click. 

Whew!

Needless to say it's been a really intense week. I have felt a lot of emotions and thought about so much. I have been exposed to 3 days of beautiful, eclectic stripper art and allowed myself to feel it all. I was a little bit more sensitive than usual, it being my moon time, so I spent a lot of time crying. I wasn't sad though. I was so, so happy. I was just feeling all of the feels, and I am a big crier, so all of my thoughts and epiphanies were coming out of my eyes. Like little stripper rhinestones, each one an important milestone in an art stripper's career process. 

Back to the diversity! I have not seen a festival with this much diversity before! Rivaling on, if not surpassing NY's festival with it's level of representation of EVERYTHING. I want to make sure that the shows, classes and events I am bringing to the San Diego community are fully representational and open to everyone. Everyone. I want to put it out there that the events and classes I create are a safe place for every type of person to be there, express themselves and find themselves through art. 

I am so impressed with Show Me for it's diversity, representation of all types of people, it's inspiringly high level, it's community that supports and surrounds it (the crew, band, musicians, support staff, volunteers) and how good the performers are treated and taken care of.

A brief recap of some of my highlights:
Thursday - The Speakeasy Soiree

Midnite Martini

Oh that venue! I think I swooned the whole time. The Thaxton Speakeasy is a beautiful art deco building with an unusual performance setting. Almost like a runway, the performers were incredibly close to the audience which made for an intimate show. I loved being that close to them! They all really did wonderfully with the space and I found myself smiling so much my face hurt! I was so inspired. Lola Van Ella emceed, starting the show off singing with her live jazz band, swoon! Some of my favorite performers were Laika Fox (giant steak suit, political statements, surprise cartwheel into drop splits!), Chola Magnolia (fringe, latin dance moves, the best stage presence and hilarious musicality), Lucky Buck (face balancing boylesque), Lola Lesoleil (beautifully performed with a story and a surprise that I wont reveal here), Kitana Louise (she didn't have a mic stand so used a stage hand and worked him hard while she striped, it was hilarious and sexy), GiGi Holiday's GPS of Burlesque and of course Midnite Martini KILLED IT - ending the show with a beautiful strip, chair / stocking removal acrobatics and so much soul. I was entranced, inspired and couldn't believe it was the first night. I only mentioned a fraction of the performers, but literally ALL of them were amazing. The afterparty was a Burlesque Bingo show emceed by Mimi Le Uke at a venue called the Crack Fox (why is there a venue called that?!) and had even more amazingness - it ended with Isaiah Esquire of Portland and he was absolutely unforgettable. I didn't even know humans were made like that!

Friday - The Red Light Revue

Show night for me! I went through a myriad of thoughts and emotions that night. I was so nervous! I had made this show into such an important one in my mind. Maybe put too much pressure on myself. I had reviewed my choreo and asked Di'Lovely to work with me to make it better, I added more bling / dangly bits to my costume, I practiced more than I usually do (though probably as much as I should be) and then I blanked out on stage for 4 counts of 8. Just fully blacked out, couldn't remember my choreo and couldn't get back to it for 4 freaking counts of 8. Not that the audience knew but I was devastated after I got off stage. Then I couldn't stop thinking about it. Before I went on I couldn't watch the show because it was making me so nervous and I was starting to have an existential crisis about Burlesque. Perfect timing. Right before I'm about to go on, I start to have a love / hate relationship with one of my biggest passions. In the end I just freestyled a bit and NO ONE knows the difference besides me. My cousins from Columbia came out to watch me and an old family friend from ages ago too! It was so good to have them there. 

The Red Light Revue Cast

After the show upstairs was the Van Ella Bordella...a stripper pole in the middle of the room and the Van Ella Band playing 90's hits. It was the best, weirdest, sexiest combo ever. That was the most "stripper" I've ever seen at a Burlesque Festival. There's this huge dichotomy between being a stripper at a strip club and being a burlesque performer...it's really not that different (except strippers make more money!) and there shouldn't be a divide. This was an example of fusion of the two worlds in a way that I have never seen at a festival before, or ever before actually. There was audience interaction, there were dollar bills flying in the air. And there was some of the sexiest stripping I've ever seen! All to live 90's music. Wont forget that one for a while, whoa! That night I suffered some gnarly insomnia and struggled with replaying my act in my head, over and over. 

There were two hoopers in the Friday show which was amazing to see! Johnny Nuriel ended his act with an LED hoop and the audience went wild for it! His, Mr. Gorgeous and Dirty Martini's acts really stick out in my mind. I didn't get to see lots of the show though, do to me performing in it and being a nervous wreck! Eva Mystique was my backstage buddy who was super sweet and I got to see her kill it on stage, so sexy!

Spectaculaire Cast

Saturday - Spectaculaire!
Hands down the best burlesque show I've ever seen. And I'd like to think I've seen some damn good burlesque in my day. The duo talk-show style emceeing from Jeez Loueez and Lola Van Ella was classically hilarious. The acts were incredible! Favorites include: Axis D'Evil (hoop burlesquer with a slick way to hide her hoop in her costume), Shellbelle Shamrock's Michael Jackson act was spot on, Icky Muffin is my new favorite aerial Lyra burlesque artist, Ray Gunn was a creepy, sexy, sexy bird, Midnite's aerial burlesque act gets me every time, I got to see Vivacious Miss Audacious perform for the first time (a fellow old school hoop burlesquer), athletic pole dancing by Patti Zikmund, Willy LaQueue got us all with his pop and lock style of dance stripping, contortion by Dahlia Fatale, and the ending with Duo Izhonny was epic. They brought out all of the stops - fire, headstand twerking, costuming like no other, fan veil work, beautiful makeup, beautiful moments - unforgettable. 

Susan!

After the show we all headed over to Lola's studio on Cherokee and had some good stripper bonding time. There was a Hot Mess Talent show that was hilarious and a moment in which Lola thanked everyone for the weekend of awesome. Of course she had me crying with her sincere expression of gratitude. Around 4am I figured it was a good time as any to go home even though the afterparty was still going strong and probably went well into the morning :) I had a lovely, comfy place to stay, thanks to Michelle Schaeffer and had a lovely meal with my long time family friend Susan Weigand. I went to Columbia to visit my family on Sunday while the festival attendees went to brunch and the City Museum. It was so good to see my Mid West fam that I see all too seldom. Though most of the time I was in Columbia I was sleeping! I had so much sleep to catch up on! 

Fam Bam

I had a lot of realizations at the Show Me Burlesque Festival but one of the biggest things I have taken from it is how much I want to continue to push myself to be an excellent leader, a builder up of the people around me, an enricher of my communities and a elevator of the stripping / performing arts to see it rise to it's highest heights! Thanks to Lola Van Ella for raising the bar and making it a sparkly bar that I want to look up to.