Just when you want to give up, is probably when you shouldn't

View from our balcony at Mar de Jade

I'm sitting in our room at Mar de Jade in Chacala, Mexico staring out our balcony window at the picturesque view: ocean waves, swaying palm trees, the roof of a gorgeous yoga room ahead. I wonder, 'How did I get so lucky? What did I do to deserve this?' I have been asking myself these questions a lot this week. I was speaking with fellow traveler / hoop teacher /  badass, Gail O'Brien, about this feeling of wonderment at how we ended up in this tropical paradise. (Maybe a little imposter syndrome perhaps?) We realized that actually, we have worked really hard to get here. Sometimes it doesn't feel like work, but it's truly the decade+ of time put in, built up, dedicated, that correlates into these types of once-in-a-lifetime experiences. And so I sit back, look up at the ocean, sigh and soak it all in. I thank everything I can think of in my mind that could have led to this opportunity. Particularly, Fer, the organizer of Summer Hooping Mexico. For asking us to be a part of this, for graciously leading the group through a wonderful week of excitement and for just being her sweet, lovable self.

First Burlesque Act JOY

But this blog post was not supposed to be about Summer Hooping Mexico (though I think I will write about this experience in another post), it is meant to be about my recent experience competing at the Burlesque Hall of Fame in Vegas.

Performing at Burlesque Hall of Fame has been something I have worked towards for 9-10 years of my life! Within a year of starting to hoop, I created my first Hoop Burlesque routine. Hooping made me feel liberated. It made me feel sexy and confident. I could do tricks that made me feel invincible, like a superhero who could do anything she put her mind to.

In 2008, I was hooping on the sidewalk / tiny patch of grass outside my apartment in OB when I got hot and took of my sweater, while keeping the hoop going around my waist all the while. Ding! A lightbulb went off over my head – I could do Hoop Burlesque! I had seen Catherine D'Lish perform her famous martini glass strip in my mom's productions 'Arabia Exotica'. And I thought maybe I could combine sexy striptease, hoop tricks, choreography and set it all specifically to musical cues. I rushed upstairs to my computer and started searching YouTube. I couldn't find anyone who was doing what I imagined in my mind. There were strippers hula hooping on the internet, but no one that I could find was doing hoop dance, tricks, choreo and striptease all at once. (Turns out there were a few goddesses such as Lolli Hoops and Vivacious Miss Audacious who were doing Hoop Burlesque around that time and earlier!)

So I made my first burlesque act.

First Burlesque Act SUCCESS!

I used the very overplayed 'Stripper' by David Rose (music I had seen Catherine D'Lish perform her martini glass act to), I used store-bought, inexpensive lingerie and a tutu I made myself with tulle. I choreographed it myself and practiced it A LOT. I decided that I HAD to do foot hooping in this act b/c to me, controlling a hula hoop with one's foot was just about the sexiness thing ever. I only had the trick nailed a fraction of the time, so it was edgy to put into my routine. I was preparing it for my mom's 'Arabia Exotica' at Hollywood & Highland in Oct 2008. I actually hated the process. Taking off my clothes and then having to put on so many layers again and again, made me swear it would my last (and first) burlesque act! Ha :)

The performance went off without a hitch. I nailed every trick, even the foot hooping and I felt amazing! A month or so later, someone in the audience sent me a posting they had seen looking for burlesque performers for an HBO show 'Live Nude Comedy'. I auditioned and I got it! I was on national television about a year or so into my hoop journey and VERY early on in my burlesque journey. I was still wearing my store-bought, unrhinestoned costume...on live national television. As a true noob, I even forgot my pasties on show day and the sweet Miss Dakota lent me her pasties – the same ones she was wearing in one of her acts in the show! That is a true sweetheart! I had not been so nervous to perform in my life. I still remember to this day, being backstage and being uncontrollably nervous. But somehow I performed flawlessly (I still cringe when I watch that video though, let's be honest) and I have never looked back!

Fast forward to next most nervous I have ever been to perform – BHoF 2013. I started

The Hoop Unit at BHoF, 2013

applying for BHoF back in 2009 with that video from Live Nude Comedy. Yep, one year into burlesque and I had my sights set HIGH. I was rejected for the next four years. In 2013, my hoop troupe, The Hoop Unit was accepted into the best group category! This counts as the second most nervous I have ever been to go on stage. Performing burlesque for 800 burlesque performers and aficionados? No thank you! But we did it and we had fun. We didn't win but it was an incredible experience...seeing those shows blew me away! I wrote a blog post about it here.

Being able to perform on that stage is SUCH an honor. It is so hard to get in. So many applicants, only so much time for shows and strict application rules (something like less than 20% of people get in or something like that). But I still really, really wanted to perform there as a soloist.

So I kept applying. I kept making new acts. New videos. Performed in festivals around the country and the world. I taught. I created a Burlesque-only troupe, The Vaudeville Vixens. I produced shows (2-3 a year) starting in 2011. I created student performance opportunities. I went to BurlyCon. I taught at BurlyCon. I did the peer reviews at BurlyCon. I read lots of books about history and our legends. I became fascinated with Burlesque History actually, and spent a large period of time obsessively reading any book related to the subject I could get my hands on. I invited headliners and performers from around the country and the world to teach, M.C. and perform in San Diego. I created a new recurring live music show in San Diego, Burlesque Brunch. I dreamed up new costumes, new acts for myself and for groups, I created mountains of choreography. I ran Solo Act Courses to give people the support to spread their wings and fly. I endeavored to support and show up to as many locally produced Burlesque shows in San Diego that I could. I sought out act reviews from peers and performers I admired. This is just what I did to further my burlesque path, not even to mention the other forms of performance art I love and try to push every day.

Instead of stopping Burlesque b/c of the nuisance of taking off and putting on so many layers of costume in rehearsal, I did the exact opposite. I dove in. Head first. And I still haven't come back up for air.

All the while, every year I was applying to perform as a soloist at BHoF. Every year I was rejected. I cried. I was frustrated. I put in SO MUCH time, love, money and energy into this community. Particularly locally, but nationally as well. I was completely obsessed and I felt I had something to share.

Year after year of rejections starts to get hard. Regardless of the frustration, I was able to pick myself back up and keep chugging along. I was not alone. So many people experienced this rejection, not only with BHoF but with lots of festivals regularly. Eventually I decided that this year (2018) would be my last year applying (at least as a soloist), I would still continue to work on The Vaudeville Vixens' potential opportunity to perform there but as for myself, I was seeing the family life soon to be in my future. I have craved being a mom for so long and I am ready! I want to give it my all and I will need to take a break from performing for a little while, so I figured if I didn't get in this year, I wouldn't apply again (or at least for a long time). This was BHoF's last chance! Luckily, they took it!

Emeraude, my ride or die!

The day they posted results were coming out, I was obsessively checking TroupeIt. When I saw that I was accepted for my Jellyfish act, I flipped. Inspiration for the prop in this act came from Diana Vishneva's 'Water Flower.' Secretly I had actually been telling myself for months that it was the 'Year of the Jellyfish' and turns out I was right! From late April through early June, BHoF was constantly in the back of my mind. I had so many other commitments to fulfill before BHoF b/c you never know if you're going to get in, so you keep going about your life, filling up your calendar as you normally do. Which meant for quite a busy Spring season. Texas Burlesque Festival, Show Me Burlesque Festival, teaching circus at schools around San Diego everyday, teaching nighttime adult classes, teaching yoga, doing gigs, helping prep my troupes for their Fringe Festival shows, working on our Twisted Orbit business, the lists go on! All the while...practicing, working out, obsessing over details of my act, getting act reviews with Di'Lovely & Ginger Valentine, eating clean, repairing my prop, working on adding pieces and rhinestones to my costume (thanks to Jacqueline Chaton for rhinestoning my ENTIRE costume and to Firetail Design for making it!) The prep was intense.

Performing in the Debut category. Photo: Glenn Asakawa.

And before I knew it, it was the morning of my flight to Vegas and I was all kinds of emotional. I felt like crying already. Not for sadness, but truly for an overwhelming amount of emotion. As that person who cries at literally everything, I should have seen this as a foreshadowing of how the weekend would go. Bags was so supportive. He was so perfect that morning. So loving and helpful and everything I ever wanted. I felt so ready. Calm. Confident. Collected. I didn't feel anxious but it all felt right, and everything was falling into place the way it was supposed to.

Photo by Glenn Asakawa

Luckily Emeraude LaStarr had already planned to attend this year and we had a room together. Having her there was so amazing. She was my rock and I sure did need someone to anchor to. It's such a full-on experience. The calm, collected feeling I had Thursday morning didn't steadily stay there all 5 days. Oh no. It was a rollercoaster alright! From sheer inspiration, awkward fan-girling, trying to interact in eccentric social situations, seeing friends from around the globe with whom you've shared unforgettable memories, overstimulation from THE MOST FABULOUS outfits you've ever seen, pressure to take lots of pics and constantly post on social media. To look extra and to be extra. I mean wow. It took me a day or two just to acclimate to all of that. Then add in the extreme Vegas heat, the over-air conditioned hotel, the smoke filled casino and your horse voice from screaming your head off at all of the shows. It's no wonder it's taken me weeks just to write this post!

Friday's Legends Show had me in tears the whole time. Again, not for sadness but truly for the overwhelming amount of love I felt in that room. The community, the audience, that whole damn room loved each Legend so much as soon as they entered the stage. It was such a beautiful thing to behold.

SD Burlesties!

Visiting the new BHoF Museum!

Saturday (show day) had my stomach in all kinds of knots. I woke up already anxious and thought, 'Great. If I'm already nervous, how am I going to feel right before I go on stage?' I was remembering how nervous I was the last time I stepped onto that stage. Luckily I happened to run into Midnite Martini when I was walking over to my tech that morning. She has such amazing advice for me as I shared with her how nervous I felt. She gave me my mantra that I repeated to myself basically all day: 'Present not perfect.' What she said was basically this...with a little interpretation by me...we all want to be 'perfect' on stage, to hit that mark in the music, extend through our fingertips in that exact way we've rehearsed so many times, to get those reveals just right. But instead of attaching myself to perfection, I focused on being fully present in the moment as I stepped onto that HUGE, gorgeous stage. And for me, the fact that I didn't allow my nerves to take over, like they had the last time I performed at BHoF – but instead fully enJOYed and experienced each second during my act, is my WIN. I didn't black out. I truly felt it as it happened and I loved it. I felt seen by this community that I had worked so hard for so long to get recognition from. I touched people's souls and got to connect with them about it afterward.

Backstage at BHoF, Photo by Bob Debris

People gave me such beautiful words of love and adoration that weekend. To the point I almost didn't know what to do with all of the energy I received. It sounds silly, but sometimes it's overwhelming to receive constant words of praise. (Poor me, I know). To hear what people had to say to me about my act was so validating, so encouraging, so beautiful. I am grateful to everyone who talked to me about my act. I am grateful for the super badass group of women I got to compete with in the Debut category. Everyone was so supportive of each other, it really didn't feel like a competition. It was beyond lovely. I am grateful that Luna Divine and Kaleidoscope made the trek for one night only to see the Saturday night show, to support me and experience the magic of BHoF, even if for only one night. I am grateful for the loving notes from my friends and family who couldn't be there but sent me encouragement before the show. And for everyone who has taken the time to comment or message me directly about how much they loved my act since then. Thank you to those of you who stood up and gave me a standing ovation after I performed. I didn't get to see it but I heard about it. To know this happened is beyond amazing. I did it!!!

San Diego BOOTY!

Even though, it's true that I probably won't apply to compete or perform at BHoF again for some time (babies!!!) - this experience has me thinking about the concept of giving up. About how, just when we want to give up the most, is probably exactly when we shouldn't. When we should push through. It's those moments that we're broken down, almost to complete and utter failure, but we somehow find strength to move through, which allow us to accomplish the dreams we really want on the other side. So, if I have learned anything from this whirlwind experience - it's don't give up. No matter what. No matter how tough it is. If you want it enough, it will be worth the anguish, the ego blows, the failures, the frustrations. It'll all be worth it!!!

Best Debut BOOTY!

Special shout out and love to Sepia Jewel who debuted at BHoF in the Thursday night show, Di'Lovely who I admire so much and who slayed in the QUEEN competition on Saturday, Tito Bonito who took the stage not once, but TWICE in the Small Group category w/ Nikita Bitch Project and in the Best Boylesque category. Also, Eva Mae Garnet for making our amazing S-A-N D-I-E-G-O panties and pushing us into that group booty shot art experience. As well as to all of the lovelies in the Best Debut category - some of you I have been connected to for many years. I have watched us all grow up in burlesque. I have been there to see your struggles, your triumphs, your growth, your art and I have rooted for you along the way. To share that category with you was an honor that I will not soon forget. So much love! And congrats to Aria Delanoche who took home both Best Debut and Most Classic!